the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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