I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
