One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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