...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
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