So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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