i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
