we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
you inspire me to be a worse person
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
