everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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