Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
