I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
