Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
