I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
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Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
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Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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