why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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