i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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