Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
