Nicole vs. Life
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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