I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
