im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
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