I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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