i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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