if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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