she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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