My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
