I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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