Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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