Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
babies were throwing up all over the place
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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