In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
