you traded sex for a burrito?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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