I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
