you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
