If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
