dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
