some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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