im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
