I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
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i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
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Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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