Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
