Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
