yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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