I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila