I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
23 Bosses Confess The Craziest Thing They’ve Seen An Employee Do
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
they're like a gay fantastic four
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
19 People Confess What It’s Like To Have Sex With Someone That Is Transitioning
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
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