I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Randomize
