dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
