so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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