My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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