you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
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