I just made out with a guy for $7.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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