Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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