My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
