Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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