Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
