i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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