She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
