It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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