We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
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you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
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Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
My ass is underappreciated
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
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