I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
