SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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